I became a parent as someone who had never babysat, nannied, or really spent much time with kids outside of being one myself. The decision to have children isn’t completely logical, but looking back, I probably could have sought out opportunities to practice the nuts and bolts of parenting before diving in headfirst.

That said, “on the job training” is one way to learn things quick!

In those early days, I googled a lot in the middle of the night. “What to do if your baby won’t stop crying?” “When should I panic when he has a fever?” I was grateful that articles and research were available to guide me through the basics. And later, during my internship at The Family Center (now Raising Resilience) while getting my Master’s in Social Work, it didn’t surprise me that four main parenting styles had been classified and examined.

You’ll know then when you see them:

The permissive parenting style is one of high responsiveness and low demands. The permissive parent is more likely to take on a friendship role and may often acquiesce to their children’s requests at the first signs of distress. The rules are either not set or rarely enforced. Communication is open, and the children usually get choices rather than direction.

The authoritative parenting style has clear rules and expectations that can flex when necessary. Authoritative parents are highly responsive to their children, and they have high expectations for them. The children experience natural consequences, and the parent listens to and sometimes changes decisions based on their children’s thoughts and feelings.

The authoritarian parenting style is characterized by low responsiveness and high demands in the form of strict, rigid rules. The authoritarian parent is the “my way or the highway” parent. They talk to their child instead of with their child. Decisions are made by the parent with little input from the children.  

Finally, the neglectful parenting style has low responsiveness and low demands. This parenting style leaves children to find their own way with limited guidance and rarely implemented rules. Neglectful parents can be indifferent; however, they can also be overwhelmed with other issues.

Research suggests that the authoritative parenting style is more likely to lead to independence, social competence, self-reliance, and self-discipline. However, effective parents learn to vary the parenting styles to suit the context and situation.

Parenting isn’t static. There’s not going to be time to hear your child’s reasons for running into the street—an authoritarian, “Get back here!” will yield the best results. But when your child is sick and needing comfort, a permissive style that gives them the snacks they want before dinner may be the best way to parent.

I remember a training at an inpatient behavioral health facility where the speaker asked if we would give a whining child a chocolate bar in the checkout line. The “right” answer was no. My honest answer? I probably would’ve bought myself one too. Parenting doesn’t exist in black and white—it shifts with circumstances, moods, and seasons.

The purpose of looking at parenting styles isn’t to shame or guilt ourselves. It’s about awareness. We’ve all made mistakes—sometimes big ones. But one of the most valuable things we can give our kids is the ability to see mistakes as survivable. When we acknowledge ours and make repairs, we’re showing them that mistakes don’t end relationships. They can be talked about, learned from, and moved through.

So as you head into the weekend, take time to reflect:

• Which parenting style feels most comfortable?
• Where do you notice yourself defaulting to a style you don’t love?
• What small shift could you try this week to move closer to an authoritative style?

Parenting isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being present, adaptable, and willing to grow.

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